Memorandum to Tim Cook and Apple, Inc.


MEMORANDUM

To: Tim Cook, CEO, Apple Inc.

re: Creating Windows Users

Hi, Tim, I hope the day is treating you well. I just needed a moment for a brief setup and question.

I’m a Linux user. The main reason for this came about for a circumstantial nexus by which I loathe Microsoft Windows but cannot afford much for Apple gear. An iPhone, sure. A Mac? No, not really. And it’s also true that since abandoning the Macintosh Way, Apple has been reducing the value of its desktop computers as marketplace tools, which is one way of saying that I can’t afford to buy the desktop that doesn’t feel one generation too slow.

My point being that a cheap PC and Linux are my best option.

Still, I’m just back from a couple weeks abroad and this time around I traveled as lightly as I could on this point. Then again, only owning one laptop at present, I didn’t feel like carrying the thing overseas.

To the other, a friend recently decided an inexpensive Nextbook device she had was not sufficient for her work purposes and picked up a Lenovo Yoga. She gave the Nextbook to my mother, actually, but the point is that there is now an up-to-date Windows device in my proximity.

And I have several hundred photos to transfer from my iPhone.

Do you understand the implication, Mr. Cook? I’m sorry; that’s patronizing: Of course you recognize the implication.

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Flaccidware (v.1)


Something happened to software while I’ve been away. See, for instance, I don’t use Microsoft. I loathe Windows because whatever it is you think you’re doing, that is second priority to Microsoft, at best; it’s probably more accurate to say whatever you intend to do, wherever you intend to go today, Microsoft wishes to disrupt you along the way.

I actually had to ask where Notepad was. Then again, I don’t feel too stupid, since apparently a lot of people asked. The Microsoft support response was written in Second-Language English; we can tell how much Redmond cares.

Then again, Windows might be the great failure, but it is hardly alone. Turns out the malfunctioning whatever the hell that was mounted on the seat in front of me on the flight to Japan was Linux, which is unfortunate since it takes effort to fuck up like that, but I should also remember to avoid the hell out of software when my friends tell me how much I need it. To wit, I still don’t get what is so cool about Gogo. It’s terrible software that served me exactly none on the flight. Indeed, it was worse than nothing because I foolishly forgot myself for a moment and apparently expected it to work.

Still, I haven’t used Microsoft much in recent years, and figured the fact that it is actually painful to look at was just a result of the users I happened to know. No, no … it’s Windows. This OS looks like shit. It’s slow. Its first purpose seems to be advertising and promotion. I actually wonder if anyone in software is capable of writing a program that does what it is supposed to do. And then some days I remember of course they can, since all any software is intended to accomplish these days is advertising and revenue collection.

And this godawful “Nextbook” thing I’m trying to use? It forgets itself, can’t wake up properly, and is pretty much a disaster. Its two upsides are that I didn’t buy it, and I won’t be obliged by circumstance to use it.

The Password Hole


Detail of frame from 'Darker Than Black: Gemini of the Meteor' episode 8, "Twinkling Sun on a Summer Day …"

A personal note: If someone feels they need technical assistance with their computer or network, then one of the things I will need in order to help is access.

Welcome to the password hole.

In the first place, I’m not much of a techie; perhaps help desk would appreciate me if they only understood how often I don’t call them. Still, though, as a user who knows how to start and operate a computer, and even do things like update my system without help, other people occasionally think I am some manner of expert.

Rule Number One: If it is a Windows system, I can’t help.

Rule Number Two: I can’t fix it if you can’t tell me what the problem is.

Rule Number Three: There is, by tradition, no Rule Three.

Rule Number Four: Remember your fucking passwords!

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Dear Apple: Thank you, goodbye


To: Apple Computer
From: BD

    re: Thanks, guys—it’s been a good run

Below is the text added to an error report sent to Apple regarding the uselessness of the iTunes application.

    I’ve been attempting nothing more than to make my iTunes actually work. Being a PPC Apple user, and unable to afford at this time an upgrade to an Intel system, I should only comment that Apple has rendered iTunes inaccessible to me. I cannot replace the software with any other version; old versions are, apparently, no longer available. New versions are for Intel computers. The system cannot write or maintain an iTunes library anymore. By Apple’s will, I can no longer be an iTunes user. Between this and the typical collapse (e.g., bricking) of OSX in general, I can assure you that when I can afford a new computer, it will be a Windows box that I can afford first. As there is no longer any performance advantage in using OSX, it would seem I have no reason to not switch to a Microsoft-based system. OSX was a good operating system. However, as Apple has made it clear that they no longer want people like me, who aren’t rich enough to buy a new computer every time they update the operating system, using their computers, I don’t see any need to trouble you by attempting to do so. It’s been a good ten years, guys. Thanks. But you don’t even want me playing music on my Apple power tower anymore, so, yeah. I get the message.

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