I thought you were supposed to “drill” her

God damn it!

The man who made the 911 call said he had placed a sex toy over a saber saw blade, and then used the power tool on his partner, but the blade cut through the plastic and injured the woman.

The victim, a 27-year-old woman, was reportedly injured and bleeding. She was later flown to Prince George’s hospital center by Maryland State Police helicopter.

Yeah. That first scene in Reservoir Dogs comes to mind. Tarantino’s got nothin’ on southern Maryland.

(Oh, yeah. Thanks, Dan. Sorry to be leeching off you guys so much today, but damn ….)

A Jesus a day helps keep sanity away

Okay, okay. At 3:25, there’s a young woman named Angie Luna, who said, “Well, I don’t think nothin’ of it. I think it’s just a glare from the window.”

And what does WNCN (NBC 17, North Carolina) have to say? Well, the chyron describes Ms. Luna as an “Amazed Onlooker”. Yeah, she’s real amazed.

Are they even paying attention to what they broadcast? Given the content of the video below, I’d say the answer is, No.

(Thanks, Dan.)

Quadrennial quotes

It’s a long story of how I came to find this one. Okay, not so long as it is boring. And irrelevant. Well, not quite. I was toying with the idea of treating symptoms instead of diseases, and was looking for a Biblical verse. Along the way I found this story, littered as it is with amazing quotes:

“I gave my life to Jesus when I was 21, and while reading the scriptures one day, I saw a passage about Jesus telling people to chop off their hand if it causes them sin or troubles, so that’s what I did. I had a compulsive urge to grab my rod/staff and stroke it which ended up with me spilling my seed, so I knew something was wrong with me …. I tried holding my staff and spilling my seed with my left hand, but it just didn’t feel the same to me, so I decided to chop off my right hand because that was the hand that was giving me the most pleasure and guilt at the same time. I was in a real quandary and was very confused and emotional.”

• • •

“While I was in the emergency room getting sewn up, I met my current wife who was there because she had plucked out her left eye with a salad fork and she was bleeding almost as bad as I was”….

“As we were both lying there on our gurneys, she looked over at me and told me that she was addicted to winking at men she found sexually attractive with her left eye, and that after a while, her left eye seemed to have a ‘mind of its own,’ and that it had gotten her into all kinds of trouble over the past few years.”

“I couldn’t control it, and that’s why I plucked it out, just like Jesus told people to do,” she said.

• • •

“I was afraid our new baby girl might be born without a right hand because my husband had chopped his right hand off, but Dr. Shinto cleared up that evolutionary faux pas in my mind, and I now trust him with my husband’s life and also with his new right hand, whatever it turns out to look like.”

It’s not particularly well-written from a fictional perspective, and the only Google references to Timothy Ringstob I could find lead back to this story. So there’s no follow-up, like how his hand is doing four years later. And I didn’t find any major media coverage, which is odd since they’ll cover a bunch of migrant workers flocking to Yakima, Washington to see an apparition of the Virgin in the oily sheen on the back of a freeway sign.

So I’m really, really hoping this is fiction, because those are some of the funniest quotes I’ve read in a while. Seriously, adapt this thing for the screen, get actors who can deliver those lines straight, and you’ve got … well, okay, not a blockbuster, but an art-house Oscar contender.

Yeah, I know, I know. I’m four years late to this one. But, still ….

Capitalism and the moron

Over at Planet Money, an NPR listener from Massachusetts explains why it took his boss twelve years to finally give over and buy a microwave oven for the office:

He’s always resisted because he doesn’t like the smell of warmed food in the office. [O]thers who’ve been at this architecture firm six years and longer have been eating cold soup and leftovers or eating out more than they’d care to for some time now. He’s laid off 40% of the office in the last year (5 people), finally resorted to bringing his own lunch, and realized it would be nice to be able to heat it up.

Something about supply, demand, and capitalism goes here, but you know … that’s such pathetic story I don’t even want to bother writing a joke about it. So just think of it this way: Everything you need to know about what’s wrong with capitalism in America is contained in that paragraph.

The Friedman Factor

I don’t keep a hit list. Well, not an official one. And it’s probably a good thing I don’t. With so many negative cultural associations regarding Nixon, the last thing I need is to start imitating his paranoia.

But it’s true, and nobody’s really surprised: There are journalists whose work I just don’t like. Over at the New York Times, for instance. Sure, Frank Rich can be charming from time to time. And I can appreciate the fact that he doesn’t always piss me off, but he generally offers little more than schmoozing, mainline, “establishment” journalism. Or, as some might say, professional empowerment.

Rich is just an example. While he drifts safely about the main stream, he’s hardly a scourge.

Unlike Thomas L. Friedman. Something about Friedman reminds me of Dr. Phil. And something about him reminds me of Dr. Dobson, as well. Either way, or even added together, what you end up with is a shrill, annoying intellectual bully pushing the sort of crap that you might find funny except that it’s not offered up as a joke. Yet, despite looking for someone to suck on his big stick, Friedman has managed to catch me off-guard. Luckily, he wasn’t swinging his two-by-four at my head.

Okay, okay. It’s the goddamn mustache that reminds me of Dr. Phil. And the penchant for physical violence reminds me of Dr. Dobson. And the dishonesty? Well, Phil, Dobson, Friedman … why do I want to make a lipstick joke here?

Oh, right.

So here’s the deal (not that you care): One of my minor projects is a blog I call “Better Reading“, which is pretty much what it sounds like. That is, it’s something akin to what you get when you cross an news clipper and a coupon clipper. A name, a title, a couple of teaser paragraphs, and maybe someone else will read an article they wouldn’t otherwise. And, you know, it’s a roster of usual suspects from my sections of the philosophical and political spectra: Mark Steel, Glenn Greenwald, Paul Krugman, the editors of The Economist (?!) ….

Point being, you wouldn’t expect to see Friedman. I know a lot of people really like him, and feel reassured by his even voice and calm visage on their television screens, but something about the guy just makes my skin crawl.

Still, though, that I don’t like him isn’t a full-blown condemnation. In fact, it’s just an opinion. And ignoring him entirely on the basis of that opinion wouldn’t be fair. Nor would it be helpful. For instance, I would have missed this gem:

Let’s today step out of the normal boundaries of analysis of our economic crisis and ask a radical question: What if the crisis of 2008 represents something much more fundamental than a deep recession? What if it’s telling us that the whole growth model we created over the last 50 years is simply unsustainable economically and ecologically and that 2008 was when we hit the wall — when Mother Nature and the market both said: “No more.”

We have created a system for growth that depended on our building more and more stores to sell more and more stuff made in more and more factories in China, powered by more and more coal that would cause more and more climate change but earn China more and more dollars to buy more and more U.S. T-bills so America would have more and more money to build more and more stores and sell more and more stuff that would employ more and more Chinese …

We can’t do this anymore.

And then I wouldn’t have had that moment of thinking, “Whoa, I’m really posting Friedman?” I found it so amusing that I decided I needed to do it again. (And here you are.)

Anyway, do we really need a moral to the story?

Fine, fine. But I think it’s obvious. Let me know if you need a hint.

Google = Idiots?

Some people just don’t appreciate subtlety. Still, though, it’s other people catching these little moments and posting them, so even though I would have done it without the big red letters mucking up the scene, my hat is off to a fellow named Jerry who forwarded this image along to one of his favorite columnists:

And that one came in response to this capture:

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