Run that by me again, please? No, wait, don’t.

From the “How does that work?” file, Alastair Taylor’s frightening tale out of Sheffield, England:

A vicar turned up in agony at a hospital — with a potato stuck in his bottom.
The clergyman told stunned casualty nurses he fell backwards on to his kitchen table while hanging curtains.

He happened to be nude at the time of the mishap ….

…. The spud was yesterday revealed to be among a litany of objects medics in Sheffield have removed from people’s nether regions.

Others include a can of deodorant, a cucumber, a Russian doll — and a carnation.

Like most of the other patients, the red-faced vicar insisted to staff at the city’s Northern General Hospital that his predicament was NOT the result of a sex game gone wrong.

A & E nurse Trudi Watson said: “He explained to me, quite sincerely, he had been hanging curtains naked in the kitchen when he fell backwards on to the kitchen table and on to a potato.”

An obvious question arises. See, when was younger—say, in junior high school—we began to learn all manner of ways to call a girl a slut. “Wet bucket”, or “hot dog in a hallway”. Or there’s the classic joke: “What’s this?” (clap hands repeatedly, increasing frequency) “A hooker falling out of an airplane.” The “black hole of doom” (don’t fall in) and other occasionally funny metaphors were generally excuses to cover our feelings of inadequacy before we got old enough to learn that not all women want a twelve-incher rammed into them.

It is very difficult—for any number of reasons—to imagine the thing just sliding right in. The tissue damage would be enormous. Well, unless he had previously been, shall we say, “very accommodating”? Exceptionally? Extremely?

Or as Michael K put it, “That damn potato! It was just laying there, in his way, all lubed up and ready to go!”

There is, of course, a moral to the story. Sort of. Ms Watson, the nurse, told The Sun that people thinking to put foreign objects in such places ought to take a moment to think it over. “My advice?” she said, “Don’t do it.”

Others might take a more … uh … compromising perspective, and suggest that it’s not … um … er … yeah. You know, just be smart about what you stick up your ass, or something like that.

Sorry, I guess this isn’t one to dwell on.