Some pre-election humor

Milk and cookies on Election Day

I’m not making any predictions about what happens tomorrow. It’s part superstition, part cynicism, and part that I just don’t want to set myself up for a broken heart.

Nonetheless, others are more … um … I don’t know … bold? … than I. Glenn Grenwald, for instance:

My predictions/views of tomorrow:

Popular vote: Obama – 51.6%; McCain – 47.1%; Nader/Barr/others: 1.3%

Electoral votes: Obama – 321-217 (Kerry states + CO, NM, IA, VA, NC, OH)

States I’m mostly likely to be wrong about: (1) FL; (2) NC; (3) OH; (4) MT; (5) MO

Senate: Dems – 59; GOP – 41 (including Lieberman and Sanders as Dems)

Senate Dem. pick-ups: VA, CO, NM, AK, NC, OR, NH, GA

States I’m mostly likely to be wrong about: (1) GA; (2) MN; (3) KY

House Dem. pick-up: +31

Incumbent losses that would produce the greatest pleasure (among those with a reasonable prospect to lose): (1) Saxby Chambliss; (2) Michelle Bachmann; (3) Marilyn Musgrave; (4) Robin Hayes; (5) Elizabeth Dole; (6) Dave Reichert

Democrats whose defeat would prompt indifference (or even joy): (1) Chris Carney; (2) Tim Mahoney; (3) Nick Lampson; (4) Jim Marshall; (5) Jack Murtha.

Five terms I hope never to hear again for the rest of my existence: (1) Joe the Plumber; (2) Hockey Mom; (3) game-changer; (4) tightening; (5) Sarahcuda.

Three dumbest pieces of already-solidified conventional wisdom among the Right and the media (if Obama wins): (1) The Liberal Media was unfair to McCain; (2) Obama better resist his “liberal impulses” and govern from the center unless he wants to spawn disaster; (3) The Pelosi/Reid Congress is going to pressure Obama to move to the Left.

Oh, and by the way ….

Vote!

Okay? Get out and freakin’ vote, god damn it!

Seriously, tomorrow (as in November 4) is Election Day. If you need that reminder, well, some choice words from A. Whitney Brown come to mind. But, seriously, vote!

Really.

See Dick. See Dick’s couch. See Dick sit on couch. See Dick stay at home, sitting on his couch on Election Day. Hear Dick say, “It doesn’t make any difference, so why bother?”

Hey, Dick! Don’t be an asshole!

Joe the Plumber used to be satire

If you haven’t seen this one, you’re even farther out of the loop than I am.

LIMA, OH — Roy Shybinski, an uneducated 33-year-old forklift operator from Lima, is making final preparations for his national radio address tomorrow on The Rush Limbaugh Show. Shybinski, who has been “waiting a long time to speak my mind” … will speak to an expected audience of 32 million when he calls Limbaugh’s radio program shortly after 1 p.m. EST.

Now, if you’re wondering what that means—

—that was from 1993.

Run that by me again, please? No, wait, don’t.

From the “How does that work?” file, Alastair Taylor’s frightening tale out of Sheffield, England:

A vicar turned up in agony at a hospital — with a potato stuck in his bottom.
The clergyman told stunned casualty nurses he fell backwards on to his kitchen table while hanging curtains.

He happened to be nude at the time of the mishap ….

…. The spud was yesterday revealed to be among a litany of objects medics in Sheffield have removed from people’s nether regions.

Others include a can of deodorant, a cucumber, a Russian doll — and a carnation.

Like most of the other patients, the red-faced vicar insisted to staff at the city’s Northern General Hospital that his predicament was NOT the result of a sex game gone wrong.

A & E nurse Trudi Watson said: “He explained to me, quite sincerely, he had been hanging curtains naked in the kitchen when he fell backwards on to the kitchen table and on to a potato.”